2025-12-15
I have not been writing as much on this blog lately. I used to come home and basically spend all my time writing.
But lately I've been really into playing cyberpunk, so that's replaced writing, for now. But I don't mind this actually. I think I would've been upset before. I would've thought "is this blog legimate?", as if whatever I felt when I wrote all those entries were some fabrication of my psyche.
But I just really enjoy playing CP77 tbh. And I find what's it's doing to me to be really enriching. So I'm not worried about whether this blog will atrophy, I don't think it will.
Even if it did, I don't think I'd care to be honest. As long as I spend my time with intent, if I feel satiated, I'm content.
I typically really struggle with open world games, primarily due to decision paralysis of all sorts. How my character should look, what build should they have, what choices to make in dialogue, how much should I explore and do gigs versus the main story.
But I think I found a nice flow that makes cyberpunk really fun to play.
And the writing is pretty enjoyable, so that's been gripping me a bit as well.
My V
I think its also juiced up my politics a bit. I think it's definitely making me more outspoken against the more corpo parts of our society. But I don't feel a rage per se. More of a desire to actually care again, for what it's worth.
I mean, activism has never been something I was drawn to, still isn't. I do think I'm too afraid to risk what I have. I'd worry about getting deported. But I think I'm willing to challenge people on their beliefs again (and to have mine challenged too). Instead of just being quiet and non-confrontational.
It's also made me want a tattoo. I think I want one of the Sydney funnel-web spider. They're just so fucking raw and cool.
Spiders!
I do just want a tattoo that looks cool, for the sake of it looking cool. I don't particularly need it to have a meaning. I know a lot of people care about their tattoos in that way, and that's cool. But I don't need that.
That being said, this one does have a bit of meaning to me.
I used to be a huge arachnophobe. The tiniest, most harmless house spidre would send me searching for my mum, and I'd ask her to kill it then and there. I wouldn't even let her take the poor thing outside, because I was scared it would crawl back in.
When I went to Australia, and started hiking this got a bit better. I learned they aren't as lethal as I first imagined, and not every bite incites an incredible pain and lingering death. But I was still afraid of the ones in folklore, the red backs, the funnel webs, the recluses.
But recently I started watching more videos about our spider friends, especially those on My Wildbackyard and I realized that ... well they're kinda docile, like insects a bit.
I mean, look at this one, where he talks about the spiders in Australia! Spencer talks about them with such affection and these spiders crawl over his hands with curiosity, as wanderers and not scared and dangerous and cornered predators.
Listen, I'm not going to start petting them and handling them, but well ... they're just creatures like any other.
And this change in perspective coincides with my view of the world. Before blogging, I was much more cynical about the world and saw it as this hostile and doomed world.
But seeing all the wonderful stuff on the indieweb, it's made me realize how warped that perspective is. The people and the culture it's all still there, maybe a bit tucked away, but there.
And now I see the world as not something to run away from, but something to interface meaningfully with, even if it comes with some risks.
Oh, and one thing about the tattoo, I don't want it to be in its defensive posture, with its front legs raised and fangs bared. That's a pose it presents when its scared and feeling threatened. I want it to look like it's just walking along the contours of my body, exploring and looking.
@boyan recently wrote about writing. I thought I'd write about it here. It feels relevant, since this entry is a bit about why I haven't written in a while and why I feel alright about it.
I've rewritten this section quite a few times now. Mostly in an attempt to avoid coming off as pedagogical. We're peers, right?
But my backspace is getting weary, so I'm just going to write it out!
Now, when it comes to figuring out what to write, I have a simple suggestion. Keep some list (via a book, a todo app, emails to yourself, whatever) of interesting things you might want to write about. Keep these light and airy, something which you can share and given light commentary about. Then give yourself a large block of time where you will just tick an item of this list.
Because these items are intentionally light, I think it will be easy to start. But I find that such simple articles can sometimes blow up into something more meaningful, as you process your thoughts.
When it comes to appearing competent, I think the main thing I want to say is ... I think what makes the indieweb so beautiful is how personal and raw it is. It is not about selling yourself, which requires an infinite degree of polish. It's about expressing yourself, and trusting your readers.
I think it takes a lot of humility to give up the desire to appear competent. But I think you should and I think when members of this community do so, we are all the more richer and wholer for it.
I also want to share a bit of a conversation I had with @greg yesterday. It feels relevant to a lot of what I wrote here, but I can't figure out how to tie it in cleanly. This part of the conversation, it resonantes, in the same way important art does, I think. I paraphrase:
It takes a great humility to not be cynical.
It's not so easy to always enjoy a Christmas song.